Saturday, November 10, 2012

An Open Letter to "Papa John"

November 10, 2012

"Papa John" Schnatter
Founder & CEO
Papa John's International, Inc.
2002 Papa Johns Boulevard
Louisville, KY 40299

Dear "Papa John,"

I'm not one of your regular customers. But I'm from New York, and New Yorkers know pizza. I've tried your Papa John's pizza, and let me just say that it pales in comparison to Original Ray's.

Actually, I have little use for pizza. You see, I'm an avid runner. My fiancee and I have qualified for next year's New York City Marathon.

Eating pizza after training for a 26.2-mile race would be about as foolish as claiming to have difficulty running your business just because President Obama, owner of the Affordable Care Act, has been re-elected.

That is why I have taken time to write to you.

You see, Papa, I'm not one of those gullible folks weaned on Fox News, Rush Limbaugh and the Drudge Report. You are going to have to produce some of those convenient things we like to call facts to convince me that you will have to cut your employees' hours--and wages--or lay off many of them because of Obamacare.

With whom would you replace them, workers imported from China?

Or would you have to close locations or, goodness gracious, go out of business?

All because of Obamacare?

Papa, we both know there is no plausible connection between Mr. Obama's re-election and the livelihood of your unfortunate employees.

I'll be blunt because, remember, I'm from New York: If you cannot provide affordable healthcare for your employees with cutting their hours or wages or jobs, then you are as inept at business as Congressman Todd Akin is at discussing the female reproductive system.

You do believe your employees deserve to have access to affordable healthcare, don't you?

Don't you?

Even if your allegation were true, that the barons of American business cannot survive under the yoke of Obamacare, then you should have traveled the country with your man Mitt and spoken at, well, 47 percent of his campaign rallies. You could have been a game-changer.

But then, you probably thought Mitt was going to win anyway, so your presence was not required.

That's what you get for listening to Karl Rove, Dick Morris, Donald Trump and the Rasmussen Poll.

Sorry, Papa.

Just as I'm sorry to see your company's ongoing contribution to America's obesity epidemic. Maybe you should have to close about a hundred franchises, lest Americans stop expanding as if hooked on helium:

"I'll have two Double Bacon 6 Cheese Pizzas, a dozen Cheese Sticks, two Super-Size Cokes and two Hot Apple Pies to go."

"Yes, sir, Governor Christie. Coming right up, sir."

Little did I know, Papa, that you and Herman Cain, the lascivious former CEO of the Godfather's chain, had formed this loony anti-Obama pizza lobby.

And little did I know that your pitiful fear mongering could actually teach me something about your product that is truly remarkable:

Apparently, too much pizza can make you crazy.

Cecil Harris