Tiger Woods: The REAL Hank Haney Project

The comedian Dave Chappelle does a riff in which he asserts that you know a man is famous when if someone performs fellatio on him, then that person becomes famous.

Chappelle used former White House intern Monica Lewinsky as a case in point.

I was reminded of Chappelle’s riff when a parade of women appeared in articles in tabloids and magazines and on TV gossip shows after alleging to have had sexual relations with golf legend Tiger Woods.

No one would care about any of those women were it not for the famous man to whom they so desperately cling.

Surely, Tiger would fire those women if he could, the same way he fired his former caddie, Fluff Cowan, for extreme publicity-seeking away from the golf course.

Perhaps Tiger will also fire his swing coach, Hank Haney — not only for publicity-seeking, but also for poor results.

Were it not for his association with Tiger, Haney would not have had his own so-called reality show on The Golf Channel last year, "The Hank Haney Project: Charles Barkley."

Each week, on this prime-time program, Haney attempted to fix the massive hitch in the golf swing of Barkley, the basketball Hall of Famer. Whether or not Haney succeeded doesn’t matter. Barkley is merely a recreational player.

What matters is whether Haney can fix Tiger’s now-broken golf game, particularly his shockingly errant tee shots.

Even before Tiger withdrew from today’s final round of The Players Championship in Ponte Verde Beach, Florida, with what he believes is a bulging disc in his neck, his game bore no resemblance to the one that made him the sport’s dominant player.

Tiger was never a contender at this year’s TPC, one week after missing the cut at the Quail Hollow tournament in Charlotte.

And with 2010 Masters champion Phil Mickelson playing superior golf, Tiger’s hold on the world’s No. 1 ranking has become tenuous at best.

Perhaps not coincidentally, Butch Harmon, who coached Tiger during his most successful years on the pro tour, now coaches Mickelson.

Some golf analysts, including Johnny Miller of NBC and Brandel Chamblee of The Golf Channel, fault Tiger and Haney for changing the swing that made Tiger so great.

Tiger holds the driver differently, with his thumbs down instead of wrapped around the club, Chamblee argues.

Tiger’s follow through is not nearly as smooth as it used to be, asserts Miller, a former U.S. Open champion.

Miller also says Tiger should spend every night watching highlights of himself winning the 2000 US Open at Pebble Beach by a record 15 strokes — paying strict attention to how he gripped the clubs and swung them — because that is the finest golf Miller has ever seen.

Of course, Tiger still suffers from the humiliation of being outed as a serial philanderer. But his golf game, especially his awe-inspiring tee shots, used to be above reproach.

Not anymore.

Tiger needs in his corner not a reality-show seeker, but a truly devoted coach who can resuscitate a limp golf game.

The Tiger Tale We'll Never Hear

Tiger Woods is only two strokes behind the leaders with two rounds to play at The Masters tournament in Augusta, Ga.

Golf’s player of the decade, in more ways than one, is just 36 holes from winning his 15th major title, which would leave him three shy of the all-time leader, Jack Nicklaus.

But it is worth remembering that the last time Tiger was in this enviable position, he imploded.

Last August, he led the PGA Championships by four strokes heading into the third round. Yet he played cautiously, sluggishly, and, by his lofty standards, sloppily, allowing anyone in the field to climb back into the tournament.

The only one to take Tiger up on the challenge was Y.E. Yang, a wiry South Korean known only to golf fanatics in his own country.

Yang moved into second place, two shots behind Tiger going into the final round, and was paired with the world’s No. 1 golfer on Sunday.

As we now know, Yang became the only golfer to overtake Tiger on the final day of a major, shooting a 2-under-par 70 to Tiger’s 3-over-par 75 to win the PGA title by three strokes.

In light of what we now know about Tiger’s serial philandering prior to Thanksgiving weekend 2009, it is entirely likely his energy at the PGA tournament had been sapped by a series of sexual threesomes, or intense one-on-one rendezvous with a woman not named Elin Woods.

No wonder Tiger blew the PGA. It’s a wonder that didn’t happen more often. It’s stunning that all the cheating and lying had not caused his majestic golf game to collapse sooner.

We don’t really know Tiger Woods, no matter how often we see him, with or without a club in his hand and that TW cap covering his receding hairline.

But it’s a safe bit that he’ll never tell us whether sexual recklessness was a factor in his meltdown at last year’s PGA. It’s also safe to wager that whatever woman or women he may have spent illicit time with during that tournament received a princely sum to remain silent.

I still root for Tiger to win tournaments, especially majors. I want Tiger to break Nicklaus’s record. It is because of Tiger that I started watching golf—during his victorious run as a 21-year-old at the 1997 Masters.

I root even harder for Tiger the man to live an honest life, mentally and spiritually. I root for him to be a better human being. Whether his marriage survives or not, I root for him to be a better father to his two children.

As much as I would love to know what happened to him at last year’s PGA, I’m sure Tiger will never tell that tale. So the fan in me hopes he seizes this golden opportunity and wins Masters title No. 5.

Better to see Tiger Woods morph from the world’s No. 1 punch line back into the world’s greatest golfer.

Tiger Woods & His $exy Logo$

Tiger Woods should be damaged goods.

But he’s really not.

And he won’t be unless we find out he has fathered enough cubs outside of marriage to give former NFL running back Travis Henry (nine kids by nine different women) a run for his money.

Such transgressions would not be so easily explained on www.tigerwoods.com.

We thought we knew Tiger, but we didn’t.

Just days ago, we learned there’s something he loves almost as much as golf:

Cocktail waitresses.

Especially if, like, they sound like they come from, uh, ya know, The Valley.

We have also learned there’s something Tiger loves even more than cocktail waitresses and nearly as much as golf:

Corporate logos.

That’s why a man whose public image was as counterfeit as a three-dollar bill, or a Fox News “exclusive,” continued to sign on the dotted line as a pitchman.

It hardly seems to matter that news of his adulterous romps only gets worse. A British cocktail waitress is set to tell her story of “Shagging with Tiger” in a Fleet Street tabloid tomorrow.

If she's telling the truth, that would bring the number of Tiger’s extramarital affairs to four in case you’ve lost count.

Nevertheless, six of Tiger’s 10 corporate sponsors have issued statements of love and support.

The six are Nike, PepsiCo (makers of Gatorade), Gillette, EA (computer games), Net Jets (luxury jets) and TLC (laser vision eye care).

Tiger’s other sponsors—AT&T, Accenture (business consultancy), Tag Heuer (watches) and Upper Deck (sports cards and memorabilia)—are laying low, at least for now.

Hence, Tiger is batting .600 in the corporate game.

Soon, he’ll be back to batting 1.000.

Tiger gets $100 million a year from endorsements alone.

Seriously.

Either Tiger’s corporate sponsors believe an association with him is still good for business, or each is afraid a competitor would quickly sign him.

I suspect it’s the latter.

Tiger is as closely associated with Nike as any athlete since Michael Jordan, and thanks to Tiger, Nike Golf is an enormously successful brand.

Since Tiger is still young—he turns 34 on December 30—and could conceivably win on the PGA Tour into his late 40s, then begin a successful run on the over-50 Champions Tour, Nike would be insane to drop him.

If Nike dumps Tiger, a competitor would sign him to a multi-year deal in less time than it takes to read this sentence.

If PepsiCo says, “Tiger, we’re through,” Coca-Cola would say, “Hello, handsome.”

If Gillette says, “Tiger, you disgust me,” S.C. Johnson & Co. (makers of Edge shaving gel), would swoon, “Oh, Tiger, what a gorgeous face you have!”

Corporations will still line up to have a relationship with Tiger, his character flaws notwithstanding.

Why?

He’s the best in the world at what he does…on a golf course.

Now keep in mind, this has nothing to do with whether Tiger Woods, the pitchman, actually moves products other than those associated with golf.

American Express and Buick actually ended their affairs with Tiger in 2007, but only after enough focus groups told them they didn’t believe Tiger really drove a Buick or needed an AmEx card.

Tiger’s other non-golf sponsors know the same thing about their products. Yet they still adore him.

Truth is they can’t resist him.

That’s why Tiger has oodles of hush money and revised pre-nup money to throw around these days.

It’s all because of his most ardent lovers—the ones with the sexy logos.